tougenkyou

stream-of-consciousness

taught an internet friend linalg 101, solving systems of equations via gaussian elimination

bought a .ovh domain and it's been "processing" for about 12 hrs now .. it's been 24 whole hours

i'm starting to get a little bothered by my seeming inability to arrange my thoughts properly while in real time conversation, even about stuff that is on my 「home turf」

i often catch myself making tons of grammatical errors, typos, and absent-minded stuff like duplicating words when simply trying to let the thoughts flow. it's probably just me being tired, but i do get distressed over it because i worry about the day when i need to convey my thoughts out loud

i sometimes find myself gesturing like an ape to express concepts which i can't put into words on the spot, or rather, there is a mental barrier, no matter how insignificant, that i have to overcome, to search for the most apt word, before i feel confident that what exits my mouth is a sufficiently accurate representation of my internal state.

I'm not sure if it's just me being overly careful with my words, or if this is a maladaptive habit i've developed sometime in the past few years

a related problem is that i haven't interacted with another native english speaker, at length, IRL, in more than a decade, and i'm in my 20s now.

so there is a massive chunk of vocabulary which i know, but which i acquired purely through reading, and which i have never tried pronouncing out loud; i get caught by surprise every so often when i find out that the stress on each of the syllables or the vowel length is unlike what i expected

cacophony -> doesn't start like "cactus"
echelon -> doesn't start like "echo"
hereditary -> doesn't start like "heroin"

i don't necessarily think this is the crux of the problem, since if it was, the bad effects would have cropped up long, long before today, although it certainly is a compounding effect

i reckon it's anxiety-related or has a trivial explanation like i've gotten a lot more picky with my words and/or time lately